You will never make me doubt myself again.
I had an unsettling experience at work yesterday. It was something that I would have disregarded had I not got the reactions I did get from people I mentioned it to- and thank god I did because I would have let this little life lesson fly by.
My temporary office space is above a popular bar in Cape Town- Something which definitely has its ups and downs. One of the downs is that myself and the bar staff definitely share different work ethics and value different things. I, for one, value 'the professional relationship'. Something with boundaries and clear do's and don'ts. Do: Be civil and cordial to the people you share an office with, and Do: respect that other people work in the same space / building as you. Don't: take it upon yourself to ask personal questions or become too familiar with me. Don't: do the following to me:
At the risk of sounding graphic, I had to 'pop downstairs' (go to the bathroom). Our bathrooms (being in a bar) are quite dark and off to one side. The passageway leading from the bathrooms to the foot of the stairs and the rest of the bar is also quite dark and dingy, cloaked in shadows and storage rooms. As I walked out of the bathroom and into the dark passageway, I was approached by two of the 'bar-backs'- the guys that clean the bar and get glasses ready for the bar- men; put out and pack away tables and chairs...you get the picture. They aren't the most skilled of people. These two men happened to be black men. (And before any of you start jumping to conclusions about racial slurs, take a step back and put yourself in my shoes). I smiled politely and stepped (into the corner) to let them pass, or so I thought they wanted to do. Instead, one of them invaded my personal 'bubble'- so much so that I was forced to back myself into said corner.
He proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions about what it was that I did here, and could he come up and see what I did sometime, and " Maybe [he] should do an internship with me"- all the while his hand was firmly clasped on my shoulder and back area. His face was inches away from mine and all I saw was a gold tooth and his face. Needless to say, this made me particularly uncomfortable. I not-so-politely removed his hand from my back and walked passed him, ignoring his continuing chatter. I was pretty annoyed that I had been cornered and subjected to this by a man who clearly thought that it was ok for him to stare at me, and then invade my space and touch my body. However, being an independent woman, I shrugged it off and carried on with my day.
This morning, in conversation with the two girls I share my office with (and who work as Floor manager and General Manager of the bar), I mentioned the incident from yesterday with the overly-friendly bar-back. As I talked about what happened, both of their faces dropped and their faces turned white. They both apologised profusely and demanded to know who the perpetrator was. Naturally I told them, but assured them that I didn't want to make a fuss or cause any upset.
Later on this afternoon, the bar's owner came to me and asked me to tell him what had happened. After re-iterating my concern for not causing a fuss, I told him. He assured me he would give the guy a verbal warning and set the 'ground-rules' straight with him. He also apologised to me.
Why was everyone apologising to me? What did they do wrong?
This evening, as I was enjoying a phone conversation with the Pop, I mentioned what had happened. His concern was also huge and the distain, dripping from his words, was tangible. He was ready to drive down here and 'take that bastard on'. He, too, apologised and asked me if I was alright! Yet another person who had apologised to me on behalf of the unsavory character.
So, during my daily spinning session in my lounge while watching telly, I began to understand why everyone was aplogising. I should never have been subjected to this event in the first place. I thought that we had come far enough as human beings to be able to understand each other's personal boundaries. I realize that a black man's culture is different to that of a White woman, but have we really not progressed AT ALL? What gave this guy the impression that he could back me into a corner, shove his face into my space, place his hands on my body and ask me things that he clearly did not need to know the answer to? Is it because he is a man and I am a woman? Is it because he is black and I am white? Is it because I walked passed him and he felt like talking to someone? As far as I am concerned, none of the above warrants what he did to me. No matter how small or menial the event seems, it was a total invasion of my space and it makes me feel completely uncomfortable in my own workplace.
After shrugging off the incident yesterday and this morning, I realise (in retrospect-god!) that I should have paid more attention to what I was really feeling- anger, invasion, terror (on a small scale) that a man had me in a position of limited power, and sever discomfort.
And while it was a minor incident, and something that may have occurred due to an imbalance in cultural backgrounds, it is still something that I, as an independent, self-respected woman, should learn from. The lesson for today: No-one shall ever lay a hand on me unless they have gained my trust, and my respect. No one will invade my personal space and make me feel uneasy about being in my professional environment again. And the most important lesson of the day: No one, (not even you) has the right to make me doubt myself the way I did today.
My temporary office space is above a popular bar in Cape Town- Something which definitely has its ups and downs. One of the downs is that myself and the bar staff definitely share different work ethics and value different things. I, for one, value 'the professional relationship'. Something with boundaries and clear do's and don'ts. Do: Be civil and cordial to the people you share an office with, and Do: respect that other people work in the same space / building as you. Don't: take it upon yourself to ask personal questions or become too familiar with me. Don't: do the following to me:
At the risk of sounding graphic, I had to 'pop downstairs' (go to the bathroom). Our bathrooms (being in a bar) are quite dark and off to one side. The passageway leading from the bathrooms to the foot of the stairs and the rest of the bar is also quite dark and dingy, cloaked in shadows and storage rooms. As I walked out of the bathroom and into the dark passageway, I was approached by two of the 'bar-backs'- the guys that clean the bar and get glasses ready for the bar- men; put out and pack away tables and chairs...you get the picture. They aren't the most skilled of people. These two men happened to be black men. (And before any of you start jumping to conclusions about racial slurs, take a step back and put yourself in my shoes). I smiled politely and stepped (into the corner) to let them pass, or so I thought they wanted to do. Instead, one of them invaded my personal 'bubble'- so much so that I was forced to back myself into said corner.
He proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions about what it was that I did here, and could he come up and see what I did sometime, and " Maybe [he] should do an internship with me"- all the while his hand was firmly clasped on my shoulder and back area. His face was inches away from mine and all I saw was a gold tooth and his face. Needless to say, this made me particularly uncomfortable. I not-so-politely removed his hand from my back and walked passed him, ignoring his continuing chatter. I was pretty annoyed that I had been cornered and subjected to this by a man who clearly thought that it was ok for him to stare at me, and then invade my space and touch my body. However, being an independent woman, I shrugged it off and carried on with my day.
This morning, in conversation with the two girls I share my office with (and who work as Floor manager and General Manager of the bar), I mentioned the incident from yesterday with the overly-friendly bar-back. As I talked about what happened, both of their faces dropped and their faces turned white. They both apologised profusely and demanded to know who the perpetrator was. Naturally I told them, but assured them that I didn't want to make a fuss or cause any upset.
Later on this afternoon, the bar's owner came to me and asked me to tell him what had happened. After re-iterating my concern for not causing a fuss, I told him. He assured me he would give the guy a verbal warning and set the 'ground-rules' straight with him. He also apologised to me.
Why was everyone apologising to me? What did they do wrong?
This evening, as I was enjoying a phone conversation with the Pop, I mentioned what had happened. His concern was also huge and the distain, dripping from his words, was tangible. He was ready to drive down here and 'take that bastard on'. He, too, apologised and asked me if I was alright! Yet another person who had apologised to me on behalf of the unsavory character.
So, during my daily spinning session in my lounge while watching telly, I began to understand why everyone was aplogising. I should never have been subjected to this event in the first place. I thought that we had come far enough as human beings to be able to understand each other's personal boundaries. I realize that a black man's culture is different to that of a White woman, but have we really not progressed AT ALL? What gave this guy the impression that he could back me into a corner, shove his face into my space, place his hands on my body and ask me things that he clearly did not need to know the answer to? Is it because he is a man and I am a woman? Is it because he is black and I am white? Is it because I walked passed him and he felt like talking to someone? As far as I am concerned, none of the above warrants what he did to me. No matter how small or menial the event seems, it was a total invasion of my space and it makes me feel completely uncomfortable in my own workplace.
After shrugging off the incident yesterday and this morning, I realise (in retrospect-god!) that I should have paid more attention to what I was really feeling- anger, invasion, terror (on a small scale) that a man had me in a position of limited power, and sever discomfort.
And while it was a minor incident, and something that may have occurred due to an imbalance in cultural backgrounds, it is still something that I, as an independent, self-respected woman, should learn from. The lesson for today: No-one shall ever lay a hand on me unless they have gained my trust, and my respect. No one will invade my personal space and make me feel uneasy about being in my professional environment again. And the most important lesson of the day: No one, (not even you) has the right to make me doubt myself the way I did today.
Comments
Post a Comment