Father Christmas breaks a knee and I sit at home and talk to myself.
Sherbit. I just have to write a quick post while I am watching the Ellen show.
For some odd reason, the Series Channel (110 on DSTV) gets really old versions of the Ellen Degeneres show. SO... I'm busy watching a Christmas version ( the awesome ones where she has her twelve days of give-aways).
As anyone who has watched her show knows, she is one crazy duck. She has a zest for life that any five year old would be jealous of! One of her favourite games is musical chairs- a popular birthday-party game indeed. However, Ellen puts one heck of a spin on this game.
So, it's almost Christmas right. There's fake snow all over her set, and Christmas music and all the bit. Excitedly, she announces that it's time for musical chairs, and with a sly twinkle in her eye, motions for 'them' to bring out the musical chairs. WELL, 6 Hunks come out wearing Father Christmas ( American translation: Santa Clause) outfits, sans shirts of course. This 'pack' of men walk onto the set and nearly knock Ellen over with their rock-hard abs and HUGE pectorals. They all seem a cross between worried and embarrassed, verging on interested, and place their no-doubt pretty firm butts down onto one of the free chairs in front of them. I know I seem to be emphasizing the condition of these mens' bodies quite a lot, but they really were toned-cousins of Arnold maybe? Anyway, Ellen is a Lesbian women. She fancies other women- not chiseled men, which is the first things that makes me stop and think 'Hang on...'
The next part is where it really made me want to crawl inside my own body and hide away until the credits began to roll. Ellen excitedly calls down 5 women from the audience, all of them bounding down the stairs like over-excited golden retrievers. They can't help themselves. They are Americans. They HUG her, and then each other, and then just stand there, jumping up and down on the spot, rubbing their hands together and smiling their big, toothy, American smiles, all the while saying over and over again, 'Oh my GOD! I AM SO EXCITED!'. I mean..... COME ON!
Now, I have to mention that all five of these women were middle aged ( not a bad thing) and slightly to moderately over-weight ( not the end of the world, but also could have refrained from that last pork pie maybe? I'm just saying...) They turn back and look at the Father Christmas models as if they were hungry lionesses and instinctively start to wiggle their butts, in time with the Christmas music. You can now see, in the background, the models simultaneously inhaling a deep breath while their eyes begin to widen and they silently question why they agreed to this!
The rowdy stripper music starts and Ellen hops out of the way, a big smile taking up the majority of her face. The lionesses start to hunt, forgetting that they are in a studio full of people, and dance like crazy people- overly excited by the pheromones emitted by the hunks. The music stops ( and as are the rules of this age-old game) everyone races to find a 'lap' to collapse into. Two rotund ( read 'fat-assed') women collapse on only one of 'Santa's' knees and he literally cries out in pain. It's survival of the fittest as a feeding frenzy breaks out and Ellen, rather uncomfortably, separates the two women, pronouncing one of them the winner and sending the other to stand on the side- menace and hatred for the existing lady clear in her eyes.
At home, I sit squirming. I'm trying to hide behind my hands, my knees, and my decorative-but-useful throw cushion , but peek through a tiny crack between my fingers. I cry out in pure embarrassment for these over-wrought, sexed-up telly-tubbies. You know that feeling where you have a big goofy grin on your face, and you start talking to yourself...
" No... NO! No no no no no no no. Seriously. This is too much. This is SO embarrassing. Oh my god. No.....c'mon....".
Americans. Good God. What's that all about!?
For some odd reason, the Series Channel (110 on DSTV) gets really old versions of the Ellen Degeneres show. SO... I'm busy watching a Christmas version ( the awesome ones where she has her twelve days of give-aways).
As anyone who has watched her show knows, she is one crazy duck. She has a zest for life that any five year old would be jealous of! One of her favourite games is musical chairs- a popular birthday-party game indeed. However, Ellen puts one heck of a spin on this game.
So, it's almost Christmas right. There's fake snow all over her set, and Christmas music and all the bit. Excitedly, she announces that it's time for musical chairs, and with a sly twinkle in her eye, motions for 'them' to bring out the musical chairs. WELL, 6 Hunks come out wearing Father Christmas ( American translation: Santa Clause) outfits, sans shirts of course. This 'pack' of men walk onto the set and nearly knock Ellen over with their rock-hard abs and HUGE pectorals. They all seem a cross between worried and embarrassed, verging on interested, and place their no-doubt pretty firm butts down onto one of the free chairs in front of them. I know I seem to be emphasizing the condition of these mens' bodies quite a lot, but they really were toned-cousins of Arnold maybe? Anyway, Ellen is a Lesbian women. She fancies other women- not chiseled men, which is the first things that makes me stop and think 'Hang on...'
The next part is where it really made me want to crawl inside my own body and hide away until the credits began to roll. Ellen excitedly calls down 5 women from the audience, all of them bounding down the stairs like over-excited golden retrievers. They can't help themselves. They are Americans. They HUG her, and then each other, and then just stand there, jumping up and down on the spot, rubbing their hands together and smiling their big, toothy, American smiles, all the while saying over and over again, 'Oh my GOD! I AM SO EXCITED!'. I mean..... COME ON!
Now, I have to mention that all five of these women were middle aged ( not a bad thing) and slightly to moderately over-weight ( not the end of the world, but also could have refrained from that last pork pie maybe? I'm just saying...) They turn back and look at the Father Christmas models as if they were hungry lionesses and instinctively start to wiggle their butts, in time with the Christmas music. You can now see, in the background, the models simultaneously inhaling a deep breath while their eyes begin to widen and they silently question why they agreed to this!
The rowdy stripper music starts and Ellen hops out of the way, a big smile taking up the majority of her face. The lionesses start to hunt, forgetting that they are in a studio full of people, and dance like crazy people- overly excited by the pheromones emitted by the hunks. The music stops ( and as are the rules of this age-old game) everyone races to find a 'lap' to collapse into. Two rotund ( read 'fat-assed') women collapse on only one of 'Santa's' knees and he literally cries out in pain. It's survival of the fittest as a feeding frenzy breaks out and Ellen, rather uncomfortably, separates the two women, pronouncing one of them the winner and sending the other to stand on the side- menace and hatred for the existing lady clear in her eyes.
At home, I sit squirming. I'm trying to hide behind my hands, my knees, and my decorative-but-useful throw cushion , but peek through a tiny crack between my fingers. I cry out in pure embarrassment for these over-wrought, sexed-up telly-tubbies. You know that feeling where you have a big goofy grin on your face, and you start talking to yourself...
" No... NO! No no no no no no no. Seriously. This is too much. This is SO embarrassing. Oh my god. No.....c'mon....".
Americans. Good God. What's that all about!?
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