Small things
My best friend committed suicide 7 months ago. It was one of the most horrific things I have ever had to go through. It still makes my hands shake, even now, while I write this. The grief that followed was something I don't care to explain. If you have ever lost someone close to you, let alone in that manner, you will understand what torment your whole body goes through. I felt like I had been shot at by a machine gun. My heart was in ruins.
The months following Tyler's death held all the things you see in the movies. Grief, sorrow, all-encompassing heart ache. Bargaining, rage, a lack of understanding so profound. I felt suspended.
The amazing people in my life, all around me, helped me to get to the point where I am today. I miss him so much. God! I miss him. And, because I am not religious but very spiritual, I know that he presents himself in different forms all the time, just to let me know that he is around. Lately, I have been hearing songs at random- the ones we used to listen to all the time, the soundtrack of our friendship if you will. A few months ago, I went through a stage where I saw people everywhere that looked exactly like him.
So, today T-bob has been in my thoughts a lot for some reason. The dull, thudding ache that comes from the thought that I can't just pick up the phone to phone him and say 'hi' is back. That heavy feeling, when I remember that he won't be at my wedding, and I can't ask his advice about why boys are so silly sometimes, is creeping back and making my chest feel tight.
On days like this, I look for the small things that divert my thoughts away from feeling heavy and tight chested. An unexpected note from a friend back home in Natal lifts my mood. A good chuckle while chatting to a friend form varsity days while I am, (and he is) meant to be working helps to place the train back on the tracks. A text from The mop lifts my spirits and puts a smile on my face. And, soon enough, after never forgetting him, T slides away for a few more days and I get on with my life.
I will never forget Tyler. He was, quite literally, one of the cornerstones of my personality. He helped me to find who I am today and he, simply, let me be. He was such a great friend, such a strong friend, that I will always be grateful for who he was and how he touched my life. This definitely won't be the only post about that boy in my blog, because there is too much to say about his life.
For now, I just want to to say thank you to all of you ( you know who you are) who help me, on days like this, with the small things that lift my spirit. Just shows that it really is the small things in life that keep you going. The big things will come, in due course.
For Tyler, miss you every day.
PS: Went for a long walk on the promenade this evening- here's some proof that Tyler has read my post. x
The months following Tyler's death held all the things you see in the movies. Grief, sorrow, all-encompassing heart ache. Bargaining, rage, a lack of understanding so profound. I felt suspended.
The amazing people in my life, all around me, helped me to get to the point where I am today. I miss him so much. God! I miss him. And, because I am not religious but very spiritual, I know that he presents himself in different forms all the time, just to let me know that he is around. Lately, I have been hearing songs at random- the ones we used to listen to all the time, the soundtrack of our friendship if you will. A few months ago, I went through a stage where I saw people everywhere that looked exactly like him.
So, today T-bob has been in my thoughts a lot for some reason. The dull, thudding ache that comes from the thought that I can't just pick up the phone to phone him and say 'hi' is back. That heavy feeling, when I remember that he won't be at my wedding, and I can't ask his advice about why boys are so silly sometimes, is creeping back and making my chest feel tight.
On days like this, I look for the small things that divert my thoughts away from feeling heavy and tight chested. An unexpected note from a friend back home in Natal lifts my mood. A good chuckle while chatting to a friend form varsity days while I am, (and he is) meant to be working helps to place the train back on the tracks. A text from The mop lifts my spirits and puts a smile on my face. And, soon enough, after never forgetting him, T slides away for a few more days and I get on with my life.
I will never forget Tyler. He was, quite literally, one of the cornerstones of my personality. He helped me to find who I am today and he, simply, let me be. He was such a great friend, such a strong friend, that I will always be grateful for who he was and how he touched my life. This definitely won't be the only post about that boy in my blog, because there is too much to say about his life.
For now, I just want to to say thank you to all of you ( you know who you are) who help me, on days like this, with the small things that lift my spirit. Just shows that it really is the small things in life that keep you going. The big things will come, in due course.
For Tyler, miss you every day.
PS: Went for a long walk on the promenade this evening- here's some proof that Tyler has read my post. x
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