Storm Clouds

It's been a rough day for me today- another 'tyler' day. I'm quite proud of myself, actually, because it has been a good 8 weeks since this dark cloud found its way to me- a sign that the storm of your best friend committing suicide might be moving off to a place where you can see the big dark clouds, and admire them, but where they can't threaten to rain on you.

Tomorrow evening I fly home. My lovely boss (and I mean that in the most sincere way) is sending me home for ten days, over my birthday and a long weekend, to do 'market research' for our new project. I say 'market research' because it isn't really work per say, but a license to shop and seek out the trendy places that the fashionable people inhabit for the moment. As much as it brings me joy to think that tomorrow evening I will be clambering onto a big airbus, (laptop and luggage in hand), on my way home, I can't help but remind myself that there will be one less "I'm home! What are the plans for tonight?" text to send.

The thing about T-bob was that he was a different kind of friend. He was never a 'romantic' friend, or one of those 'friends' that 'forgot' your name because we had only met a few times. Tyler was (is?) a true friend. No matter how much time had passed, within minutes we would glide right back into each other's lives without hesitation. There was never any awkwardness, or getting to know each other again. It was just easy. No-fuss-needed. Comfortable. It was so refreshing to have someone like that in my life who didn't need to be primed.

We didn't need to press the 'refresh' button- everything just sort of 'uploaded automatically'. So many of the friends I have made during my varsity years (especially in my first year at UKZN) look me up and down and then put on a forced smile, ask all the 'right' questions and then get on with it- never sparing a second glance. But my T was always accepting of a new 'capetonian accent' or a new hairstyle, and always looked past all of that- eager to get back to where we left off and to fill each other in on who we were dating, the scandals, the gossip and the general banter about 'the old days at Strawberry Fields'. Re-living 'the old days' always used to be a place I loved to be- now it's too painful to think of the old days because it feels like a big mouse came in the night and tore a big chunk out of the block of cheese.

So, going home for me now is incredibly bitter sweet. Yes, I get to see my family which is always wonderful. I get to see the Iron-man which makes my heart very happy. I get to see a lot of old friends, too- but I don't get to see Tyler. I won't be sending a text as I drive through the smog of Maritzburg: Message. Find Contacts. T. Scroll down....T-bob. Enter. "I'm back I’m back I’m back I’m back I’m back I’m back I’m back! Better get your dipsco tekkies on my T-bobski bob cause we are hitting the house of pain tonight. Pre-drinks at Strawbns?? CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU! Love Prudy xxx" Green Phone. Smile. Sigh.

When this cloud finds its way back to me, I look to the little things in my day to take my mind off it. Today I threw myself into my work, went to the gym and 'swam it out' and then bumped into Berry who managed to take my mind off being sad and scared to go home, and replaced it with some good old fashioned banter. But, being alone now in my flat, the wave of hurt seems to envelope my body again- no wonder they call them Feelings. I feel like my feet aren't attached to my body and a tear literally pricks my cheek before it glides down and settles on the tip of my chin. At times like this, the thing that gets me through is the knowledge that I have survived feeling black before. If I can breath...in and out...and feel the strength come back to me the same way a sip of hot tea warms my stomach, I will be able to shake off the umbrella, turn my head towards the sky, and watch as the sun warms my face once again. The big black thunder clouds of pain will have to come back another day.

1985-2008

Miss you T.