365 days in the arms of the angels
It was the most beautiful day today. Testament to the beautiful soul that was around me all day. Although it should have been an incredibly sad day (which, make no mistake, it was), I felt oddly calm and serene. I spent the better part of the afternoon on the balcony at our family house in Hout Bay. I was alone. I simply sat with a good glass of red wine, and watched the world breath in and out. I was consumed with memories of my friend and walked the steps again of that tragic day when I got a phone call that no friend should ever get. I re-lived my pain, finally able to be separate to it but remember, with startling clarity, what if felt like when your world implodes.
A whole year after something out of a nightmare, I was able to sit and listen to Tyler. I stood in the exact spot on the balcony where we were together for the last time before he died. I heard his laugh and the way he would call me when he had something to tell me..."Prudy. Prudential. Prudy-babes." I felt him in the wind that was so mild, it felt like the breath of two people leaning in closely together, sharing a secret. I have a picture of his last visit to Cape Town- and I can still remember what it was like, what it felt like to be sitting on the ledge of our balcony, talking shit to each other and sharing good times. Making memories and building our friendship was something that both of us were proficient in. I can still feel the way it felt to put my arm around Tyler in that photo- and the look on my face shows the contentment that I can remember as if it were 2 days ago- not over 365.
Something that I take solace in following T's death is music. I have always loved music, but ever since T left me, I have found a quiet peace in the fact that other people were, and still are, feeling the way I do today. I could never keep the songs for myself alone, because I feel that my ramblings couldn't do what I feel justice. So I passed the baton and snuggled up in the memory of Tyler. I quietly sang this song to him because I knew that he loved to hear me sing, and I tried to hold on to the memory of his face.
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance. For a break that would make it okay.There's always one reason to feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction- Oh beautiful release, Memory seeps from my veins. Let me be empty And weightless and maybe i 'll find some peace tonight. In the arms of an angel, Fly away from here. From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear. You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie. You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there. So tired of the straight line, And everywhere you turn, There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting- You keep on building the lie That you make up for all that you lack. It don't make no difference. It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh Escaping one last time-This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees. In the arms of an angel Fly away from here. From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear. You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie- You're in the arms of the angel... May you find some comfort there. You're in the arms of the angel... May you find some comfort here.
I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories. Remember all the good times that we had We let them slip away from us when things got bad Clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun I want to feel your warmth upon me, I want to be the one I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories. I'm so tired,I can't sleep. Standin' on the edge of something much too deep. It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word. We are screaming inside, we can't be heard. I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories. I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose. Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose. Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night. Gave me everything he had, oh he gave me life .And I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories. I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Weep not for the memories.
As the sun slumped behind the mountain, I felt the temperature drop and saw the little clouds of steam that came out of my mouth as I sang these words to my lost friend. The increasing darkness did nothing to steal the beauty of the evening- But it was a reminder that, like everything in life, wonderful moments like I experienced today in remembrance of my friend are fleeting. I sat in the darkness, trying to soak up every last shard of wonderful light that, to me, represents the way Tyler must be feeling today. Our circle of friends back in Natal all honoured Tyler with a day spent fishing in his favourite spot. An sms later this evening in reply to my messages of love to all of my friends on this day proved to me that T was with all of us. " Pru, the Fishing was good today. I like to think that he was there lending a hand".
Being wary of not being consumed in my own thoughts and feelings today, also on my mind was Tyler's family. If it was this hard for me to rise above the death of my dear friend, I cannot imagine what it must be like to be without your son, brother, cousin and nephew 365 days after his death. The hole that is surely left will be ever empty. The only thing that all of us can cling to, to fill the holes in all of our hearts, is that on this day, a year ago, where there was pain came relief. Where there was turmoil there was peace. Where there was sadness came light. Where there was blame came forgiveness and where there was no way out, there was final release.
I take comfort in that.
Tyler, you have lived 365 days in the arms of your angels. I can only hope that you are at peace with yourself and that you come back and visit me like you did today.
1985-2008 x
Comments
Post a Comment