The Happiness-boat and its turning rudder
It has been a little over a year since I wrote anything on this blog. Before I would have said that that was shameful but, with the year that I have had, I think that not writing was a direct result of everything that has happened to me.
I write when I am inspired and happy, and full of things that I want to share. I don't always write about happy things, but what I do write comes straight from the fabric of my soul.
So here I am. Writing again. Trying to write again. It feels like trying to lose weight- that first little bit seems incongruous with the rest of your life, and the way in which you have to change your lifestyle to suite your new way of being seems not to fit with who you are. That's what it feels like to write this post. I feel like expressing myself and telling my truth has been suppressed for so very long, that it seems that sharing my thoughts doesn't fit with who I am anymore. Deep down inside, I know that being a writer and expressing myself is in my blood. And, after all is said and done, I know that I love to write. I really love it. So here I am. Trying to write again.
When I think about what I want to write about, I just keep coming back to the big, bold statement that sits heavy in my thoughts at the moment: "Life. Is. Hard". Because it is. It's fucking hard. Things don't seem to go the way they were planned. I have lost friends, stepped away from a dream for reasons I still don't seem to understand myself, and I have found myself doggy-paddling in the career pool trying desperately to figure out what is going to make me happy. Because that seems to be the goal right now. Happiness. But that, too, is hard. I suppose happiness in life is hard, especially when you have had a year like mine.
I think that many people would find it this challenging to find the thing that made them happy if they were to strip away their life like I have. I wasn't happy in my advertising job. I wasn't happy surrounding myself with poisonous people. I wasn't happy with the compromises that I had to make to get through each day. And, after all of that, I definitely wasn't happy spending each evening nursing puffy eyes after crying about how unhappy I was. As always- the only thing that was going right in my life was my family and the person at my right hand side, Rob (previously known as 'The Ironman'... I suppose he still is, but for different reasons now).
So, where is this piece of writing going? I don't frankly know. What I do know is that today is the day that the rudder of my happiness-boat is going to turn and start taking another direction. I have lost weight (I need to lose more, of course), the poison has been released from my environment, and I have some great (but difficult) choices ahead of me to make... all of which will, with any luck, make life hard in a more enjoyable, satisfying way.
There you go. My writing skills live to see another day. Let's see what tomorrow holds.
For now, I already feel lighter and more inspired. The band-aide has been ripped off. The kink in the hose-pipe has been undone. It's a trickle (for now), but it's there. The clear, cool water that is my creativity and inspiration. Let that trickle water the hardy parts of my soul that have stuck around through thick and thin. May that trickle of inspiration be my salvation- and the start to a brand new chapter for me.
I am grateful for this day. May that gratitude grow and grow.
I write when I am inspired and happy, and full of things that I want to share. I don't always write about happy things, but what I do write comes straight from the fabric of my soul.
So here I am. Writing again. Trying to write again. It feels like trying to lose weight- that first little bit seems incongruous with the rest of your life, and the way in which you have to change your lifestyle to suite your new way of being seems not to fit with who you are. That's what it feels like to write this post. I feel like expressing myself and telling my truth has been suppressed for so very long, that it seems that sharing my thoughts doesn't fit with who I am anymore. Deep down inside, I know that being a writer and expressing myself is in my blood. And, after all is said and done, I know that I love to write. I really love it. So here I am. Trying to write again.
When I think about what I want to write about, I just keep coming back to the big, bold statement that sits heavy in my thoughts at the moment: "Life. Is. Hard". Because it is. It's fucking hard. Things don't seem to go the way they were planned. I have lost friends, stepped away from a dream for reasons I still don't seem to understand myself, and I have found myself doggy-paddling in the career pool trying desperately to figure out what is going to make me happy. Because that seems to be the goal right now. Happiness. But that, too, is hard. I suppose happiness in life is hard, especially when you have had a year like mine.
I think that many people would find it this challenging to find the thing that made them happy if they were to strip away their life like I have. I wasn't happy in my advertising job. I wasn't happy surrounding myself with poisonous people. I wasn't happy with the compromises that I had to make to get through each day. And, after all of that, I definitely wasn't happy spending each evening nursing puffy eyes after crying about how unhappy I was. As always- the only thing that was going right in my life was my family and the person at my right hand side, Rob (previously known as 'The Ironman'... I suppose he still is, but for different reasons now).
So, where is this piece of writing going? I don't frankly know. What I do know is that today is the day that the rudder of my happiness-boat is going to turn and start taking another direction. I have lost weight (I need to lose more, of course), the poison has been released from my environment, and I have some great (but difficult) choices ahead of me to make... all of which will, with any luck, make life hard in a more enjoyable, satisfying way.
There you go. My writing skills live to see another day. Let's see what tomorrow holds.
For now, I already feel lighter and more inspired. The band-aide has been ripped off. The kink in the hose-pipe has been undone. It's a trickle (for now), but it's there. The clear, cool water that is my creativity and inspiration. Let that trickle water the hardy parts of my soul that have stuck around through thick and thin. May that trickle of inspiration be my salvation- and the start to a brand new chapter for me.
I am grateful for this day. May that gratitude grow and grow.
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