Journey of discovery

Someone broke me.

It wasn't a violent break. 

It was more a continuous, vicious pressure on the same point- over, and over, and over again.

You know the old analogy of the straw that broke the camel's back? It was like that, without the steadiness from the four legs that should have been supporting the camel in the first place. 

One day, not long ago, I looked around me and saw tiny pieces of who I used to be scattered all around my feet. The 'old' me was unrecognizable. Staring back at me from the mirror was this girl with dark, sad, empty eyes. Fear painted across her face. Inner turmoil running riot-uncontrollable by thoughts that, previously positive, had turned into weapons of destruction. Like a child who has just dropped something precious on the floor, I tried to pick up the shards of myself off the floor and put them back together. Like a child faced with a broken dream, tears were the only release.

 

Had I written this a week ago, this post would have been morbid and laced with anger. What a difference a week makes. Now, instead of intense and desperate focus on the bottom, I can begin to focus on the journey out of the depths and up into the cool, green canopy of trees and light above me. 

Needless to say, this is an intensely personal thing. It is something that some people may know about, most not knowing the finer details. Others may have no idea what I'm talking about.

The Ironman knows my story intimately, and is woven directly into the fabric of it like a silk thread. His constant hand on the small of my back has kept me from falling off the edge. He has kept my chin facing upwards when all it wanted to do was dive down to the bottom and never come up for air. His understanding and patience have been the fairy wheels on the bicycle that I have- against all odds- managed to keep going forward. For this, and for him, I will be eternally grateful. I don't think he knows just how grateful. 1437. 

Just like getting fit, and staying fit, this climb up out of the depths is hard work. It takes extreme patience. It takes strength. It takes belief in self that you are strong enough to deal with set-backs. It takes a clear understanding of your own limits. It takes the unimaginable ability to push those limits in desperate hope that there is more... 

Most of all, it takes the ability to admit something so incredibly difficult to yourself: You will never be the same person from one day to the next. No matter what happens to you.

Things change you. 

People change you. 

Time changes you. 

Both positively and negatively. 

And this lesson has been the hardest to own- knowing that I may lose myself again before I really know who I am. 

So I bring myself back to the upward journey, and watch the bubbles dance around me as I kick my body up through the dark water, feeling the water warm around me as I get closer to the sunlight. And, as I imagine what it's like to be able to breath the air again, I bleed with gratitude for the people who have helped me so far. 

Chrys- without you I would still be that lost, scared child trying- in vein- to pick up the pieces. You have been the glue that has helped me to stick myself back together. 

Leanne- you have been a breath of fresh air. Literally. It took me a while to find the courage, but I am so grateful to be able to breath again.

Mum and Dad- always the soft cushion of support that surrounds me whenever I fall. 

Ironman- No words. Just love and complete gratitude. 

I am finally catching glimpses of the old me in the mirror again. Relief crashes like a wave on the beach to find that I haven't disappeared. And, in hind-sight, and in a very twisted way, I would never want to give back what happened to me. It taught me things about myself that I would never have found out. It taught me things about different types of people that will protect me in future. It taught me not to be so dangerously trusting of everyone. Most of all it has taught me to live my life in a way that is positive. And right. And good. And true.

The dark depths? You can keep those. 

But the journey of self-discovery? Well that I'll hold on to, thanks. 

Love, and complete gratitude for the special people in my life. You know who you are. 

xx