Thank you for coming back to me.

You haven’t come to me in a long time. I have thought of you, and tried to remember you. But you haven’t come to me like you used to. I was beginning to think that I might be reaching a point where I began to forget you.

When I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep last night, the very last thing I expected was a visit from you in my dreams. All I was doing was pottering along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, there you were…in all your beautiful glory. You looked at me with such a knowing look. A look that told me that you knew all along that we would meet, right then, in that moment. My face must have been a picture.

To try and describe the feeling of seeing you again is impossible. It was like flood-gates being opened after years of stagnation. It was like what I imagine being inside an avalanche must feel like. It was an uncontrollable feeling of falling. But the only place I was falling into was relief. I absolutely, one hundred percent, could not believe my eyes. To see your smile again, that one that crinkles up the sides of your mouth in the most beautiful curve, was astounding. It took my breath away completely. As if that smile was not enough, you walked towards me. And you hugged me for such a long time. While it must have been only a few moments, it felt like a lifetime of being lost and then found. You felt the same way as you always did: Strong. So strong. And calm, and sweet, and you giggled with a little “Prudy Babes” laugh in my ear.

Your hair was the same black, unruly mess of curls. It needed a cut, to be honest. I could have done it, just like the time we sat out on your lawn at Strawberry Fields and I tried to cut your hair with the kitchen scissors, amidst giggles and beer. I could have done it…but we didn’t have enough time. I didn’t have enough time with you.

You were the same in every way. Just as you were before…You were the same and I could not believe my eyes. You were whole and you were real and you were present. You were there. You were right there in front of my eyes. I drank you in for a while, reeling in my own mess of emotions. We spent the whole day together; just doing things we used to do. We spoke a lot, and you made me laugh so much that my stomach ached and my cheeks hurt from smiling. You walked past your beautiful picture that holds pride of place on my table. You didn’t let on that you had seen it, but I saw the look in your eye that told me that it made you happy to see that picture. I know it made you happy. I know it makes you happy.

When you started talking about leaving, my heart began to race. It raced so hard, it raced right out of my chest. I felt that familiar feeling of despair and hurt and loss. Mostly loss. And then you said five words that lit up my soul: “I’ll come back for you”. You said you would come back. You had been gone for so long, and I was scared that I had forgotten you. I was so scared that I could not remember what your face looked like and what you smile felt like when it touched the air around my face. I was terrified that I would have to go through the pain and the trauma and the disbelief of losing you again. As I began to back away from you, you said it again: “I will come back. I’ll come back for you”. And, when I asked you if you could fly, you told me that you could and that you do. You told me that you were all around me, and that even when you weren’t in front of me, making me laugh, you were all around me. You made me feel safe, and calm, that you would always be around me.

When the pain and the dread began to melt away, and the feeling of safety took it’s place, I remembered all the time we did have together. And, although I feel the physical aching of my heart, every day, for how much time we have missed out on together, I begin to sink into the knowledge that you are all around me. Always.

When you finally did leave me last night, and you flew off like the angel you always were, I remember feeling one thing. It’s the same thing I feel right now as I recall our meeting. I am so grateful for your visit. I am so grateful for your friendship and I am so grateful for you and your soft brown eyes.

But, most of all, I am so grateful for the tiny little reminders you send me every day: The songs on the radio that suddenly play out when I am thinking of you; the people on the street, that could have been your twins, who smile at me; reminders of little things that only you and I could have known. Because, while those things could be purely coincidence, I know that they are gifts from you to let me know that you will always come back... to let me know that you cared. No matter how long it has been, or how far away I feel from you, I now know that you will always come back to me. Although I was fearful of forgetting you, and our friendship, I now know that you will always come back to me.

Thank you for visiting me last night, my dear friend. I’ll always love you. Please come back and laugh with me again. I miss you, every day.